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#1 Threat to America - Bears T-shirt

by Tom Warin

#1 Threat to America - Bears T-shirt
(SnorgTees)

"I'm sick of these constant bear attacks!" - Homer Simpson

If you're talking about bears in America, and these days who isn't, then you're mostly talking about your basic black bear, with the occasional brown bear thrown in there for variety.

As the republic slowly crumbles under the relentless assault of our ursine enemies, it's worth going over a few basic strategies for dealing with a bear attack.

Don't rely on air superiority alone when dealing with bears. The fact is that unless you have somebody on the ground who is close enough to distinguish the bear from its surroundings, then you are not going to be able to hit the bear with an airborne attack. If you do have a spotter that close, then you're just as likely to hit them as you are the bear.

Artillery is also fairly useless, although bombarding a forest can rile the bears up and force them into an offensive posture, if that's what you want.

Do not challenge a bear in hand-to-hand combat; they have claws and are bigger than you.

Do not challenge a bear to a sword fight; although they may appear ungainly, they are in fact surprisingly nimble and most of them are masters of swordplay.

Do not challenge a bear to a gentlemanly duel; they invariably cheat.

Do not challenge a bear to a game of hide and seek; they will become frustrated at trying to count and will start seeking before they should.

The best way to repel bears is to wear light blue clothing. For some reason, they hate light blue.

If the clothing also contains an image of a bear, like this #1 Threat to America - Bears T-shirt from SnorgTees, then the bear will assume that an even larger bear is somewhere in the distance and will retreat.